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Treat Your Depression Singlehandedly

Meditation, Medication, and Masturbation

Turns out that I’ve been self-medicating for years.

Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that it wasn’t a big day in your life when you discovered that little one-piece home entertainment system. Were you like me, and the first time, it went off accidentally? My first thought was, how do we make that happen again? My second thought was, wonder if anyone else knows about this. So, I called up the US Patent office. “Yes, does anyone else know about this…everybody, really? Why do you ask if I’m Catholic? That’s the one reason I would never convert to Catholicism. I understand opposing abortion, I sort of understand about opposing birth control, but masturbation? It’s a victimless crime. Unless you count a couple of million spermatozoa (there’s a 10th grade biology word I never thought I’d use again).

Yes masturbation. Look at it this way, no deductible, no co-payment, and you never leave home without it.

It gives you sky high endorphin levels that help to flush the so-called stress hormone, cortisol, out of your body.

It can spike the hormone DHEA levels in the body, resulting in improved memory and brain function.

Orgasms release oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, a peptide consisting of nine amino acids that act as a natural pain reliever, and people experiencing chronic pain are often depressed. This analgesic effect means that having an orgasm can dissipate a headache, make menstrual cramps more bearable, and even soften the blow of child birth. It helps alleviate insomnia, which is also often the cause of depression.

The sweeping flow of blood of an orgasm can elicit an overall lymphatic massage, which helps the body’s natural detoxification process and settles tension in the muscles responsible for such important functions as digestion. This also can lead to a general pleasant nature, and who doesn’t enjoy that?

Best of all, you can do it in any secluded and private spot. I once did it in the lavatory on an airplane. Yes, I joined the mile-high club. I was alone, so I got an individual membership. It’s even more fun and beneficial if you do it with someone.

They say laughter is the best medicine. I’d say, it’s a distant second. Turns out that I’ve been self-medicating for years.

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