President Trump now admits there are no tapes of James Comey. Meanwhile, Comey confessed that he never DVR’d “The Apprentice.”
Michael Vick’s father has been charged with dealing heroin and money laundering. So, in the grand scheme of things, Michael actually turned out pretty good!
By the way, Michael Vick’s birthday is today. He turns 37 and no, I don’t know what that is in dog years.
Mel B’s soon-to-be ex is asking for $4,300 a month in support. Mel wants to pay less. Anyway, that’s what she wants. What she really, really wants.
Johnny Depp is in trouble for making an assassination joke about Donald Trump. Apparently, Kathy Griffin was busy that night…
A study says there is a connection between drinking black coffee and sadistic, psychopathic tendencies. How? Beats me.
NASA reports that it had a record 18,000 applicants to be astronauts. Interestingly, most were Democrats.
A new study claims that couples that argue frequently are more happy.
No they’re not.
Yes they are!
No they’re not.
Yes they are!
God, I’m happy.
The body of artist Salvador Dali is going to be exhumed. Slowest investigation ever.
Actually, it’s being exhumed to determine his DNA and if a woman claiming to be his daughter really is his daughter. Both the artist and the situation are being called surreal. Then again, all she wants is her Dali.
Mark Zuckerberg says that Facebook can now fill the role that Little League once filled. Great — can’t wait to experience Facebook Parents!
A study says regular sex can prevent heart attacks, especially in men. Yeah, my wife didn’t buy it, either…
Taco Bell is launching $600 Las Vegas weddings which include tacos, hot sauce and Cinnabon desserts. Nothing says “I love you” or “I want out” more than that…
A study says people are less likely to help others in need when the weather is uncomfortably hot. I plan to help my neighbor that fell in September, so I guess that’s true…
House prices are going crazy in Seattle. You know, one day I wanted to live in a million dollar home. Apparently, all I have to do is stay put.
Gary DeCarlo, the lead singer of Steam, has died after battling cancer. He was 75. No question what song they’ll be playing at his funeral.
Arkansas’ new 10-Commandments statue was run over by a car and destroyed less than 24-hours after it was erected. Come to think of it, it took Moses a couple of times.
Trader Joe’s is selling out of canned wine that goes for $3.99. I can hear them at a restaurant: “Would you care to smell the lid?”
Louis Tomlinson says he was “forgettable” as a member of One Direction. To which, most One Direction fans said, “Uh, who?”
It’s the 10th anniversary of the iPhone. Apple execs celebrated by blowing out the Samsung Galaxy phones on their cake.
Disney World’s Hall of Presidents, which has been closed since January in order to add a new President Trump robot, will reopen this fall. With any lucky, they’ll have created a non-Tweeting model.
TOP FIVE IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATIONS FOR LIFEGUARD APPLICANTS
- Weird obsession to randomly yell out the word, “Shark!”
- Generally, hates people
- Can’t swim
- Allergic to sand
- Fear of water
TOP FIVE MODERN NICKNAMES FOR OUR FOUNDING FATHERS
- Paul Revereware
- “Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs” Hale
- “Thomas The Train” Jefferson
- “All About the Benjamins” Franklin
- George “Kerry” Washington
TOP FIVE WORD COMBINATIONS THAT MEAN YOU’RE PROBABLY READING FAKE NEWS
- Donald Trump and Speedo (unhear THAT!)
- CNN and Anything
- Kim Jong Un and GQ
- Vladimir Putin and Kittens
- Philadelphia Phillies and First Place